I recently met up with my 80-year-old grandmother and she told me bewildered that she had read about men thinking about sex every couple of minutes. She actually felt bad for the ‘poor guys’ not being able to concentrate on anything because they ‘had to think about sex’! I laughingly told her that I thought men might not find it as horrible as she did. Don’t get me wrong, sex is no subject my grandmother and I usually discuss, this was the one and most definitely the only time but I think at this moment she wanted to talk about it.
I always experienced my grandparents as a happy couple who showed as much affection as acceptable in their days. It seems though that my grandmother didn’t particularly enjoy intercourse and mostly did it to please my grandfather. I left the conversation feeling slightly sad knowing that my grandmother who had deeply loved my grandfather and who has missed him every day for the last 11 years, seems to never have experienced true passion. I guess you don’t miss what you don’t know…
This conversation led me to think about my own sex life and about the evolution of a couples’ sex life over the course of a relationship. I have to admit that I think about sex a couple of times a day too, but obviously I can’t continuously act on it.
As I am a full-time working mother of two under 6-year-olds, me wanting sex doesn’t always happen when hubby wants sex (always??), a.k.a. the wandering hand around midnight is not always well received when I think about the six hours of sleep I need and could get instead.
I fondly remember the times when hubby and I first started dating. We ‘did it’ in every possible way at least once a day. As the years went on, the frequency of sex went down.
I guess we reached rock bottom in the first year after our son was born, when I just couldn’t be bothered to even think about sex. I was tired, had lots of things on my mind and didn’t feel particularly sexy. From time to time, I’d calculate back to when we had last had sex and then thought ‘o shit, we haven’t had sex in a month, we should really do it again’. After the first year it got better though, I felt more like it and promptly was knocked up again. This time we didn’t fall into the trap and didn’t go without sex for weeks.
I guess there are also a couple of points that make sex hard to organize. I read that women are mostly in the mood around mid morning/lunch time, which can be an issue if you and/or your partner are working and not at home then. Men are also instantly aroused and women need foreplay. But with this I don’t mean kissing, petting and so on, but the partner being nice to them throughout the day, i.e. I sometimes feel like sex and think about hooking about with my hubby once the kids are in bed. But if he is in a bad mood or we have a fight, I don’t even wanna think about it anymore. Sometimes – especially when I am tired – I have to give myself a pep talk to get into the mood and put some effort into it, but most of the time it’s worth the lack of sleep or being late for work.
I guess its hard to find the perfect time to do it, but here are a couple of things worth trying out: if you are lucky to work from home, be off at the same time or you both have an appointment which makes you go to work later, use the (day) time. If it’s the weekend – give the kids a special treat and let them watch a dvd in the morning, you might just get a treat too.