When I thought about separating from the husband, I remember a talk with one of my friends telling me that she would never dare to separate from her partner, the father of her children, because what if she won’t meet another guy.
Being in the situation of unhappiness I had lots of doubts and lots of thoughts, but there were not many things I was afraid of. I was not afraid that I could not make it money-wise, and I was not afraid to never meet someone to love again. Whether it is because my parents both have found love again, or whether it is in my nature, I am not sure, but I was not afraid. I was looking forward to falling in love again, and to meet someone who would be right for me, treat me right, make me happy and love me for who I am.
Right after the separation, my idea was to just enjoy being on my own and find myself.
A friend of mine, told me about making a list of traits her future boyfriend should have, shortly before meeting her husband. Having had good experience with “The secret” and self-fulfilling proficies with my work situation and also just to find out what I want, I started a list, which I kept next to my bed, adding things from time to time. In the end it was 36 points long. I closed it, but didn’t look at it for several months.
I always knew I wanted to meet someone again, but I also knew I was not ready. When the husband met his girlfriend last summer, I was happy for them. Only a couple of months later, going into winter did I start to want something for me to. I wanted to have someone to love me and someone to share the “normality” of life with, someone to date but also to just hang on the sofa with, but knew I could not force it.
On the day my friend and hairdresser invited me to her birthday party, the ex and I had been skiing with the kids, I had a bad hair day and did not feel like going out at all. I didn’t know anyone except my friend, but I really like her, and wanted to make a quick appearance at her party. I remember I put on weird make-up – meaning I did it different than usually, and put on a T-shirt stating “Shut up”. I went to the party and had a real laugh with a couple of gay hairdressers, who were very rude to me, but I loved it.
After a while I noticed a very attractive guy sitting on the other side of the table who seemed to be there by himself as well. I found myself looking over to him from time to time. And caught him looking at me, and smiling at me, which had me interested. Once the gays left, I joined him on the other side of the table and we started chatting.
I found out that he had recently separated (and by that I mean VERY recently), and that he had two kids. I liked him. I liked chatting to him and I liked laughing with him. When it was time for me to go home to relieve the babysitter, he asked for my number and said he really wanted to meet me again. When I said my good-byes to my friend she smiled at me and said “I see you hit it off, I invited him especially for you.” I asked whether he was the guy we had talked about the previous summer, when I asked her whether she had someone in mind for me and she confirmed it.
The next day I found my thoughts going back to his smile and to the conversation we shared. I internet stalked him and told my besties about him. I knew he came with a lot of baggage and that his situation was complicated, with him being only recently separated, having two kids, being a triathlete as well as having a business, but I was still interested.
I couldn’t stop myself and started a short but nice conversation with him, which ended with him telling me – he was looking forward to meeting up again.
And that was it.
No contact, no message, no nothing.
Being who I am I continued checking out his very public profile, and thinking about contacting him again, coming to the conclusion that he was just not that into me, otherwise he would have contacted me. My friend told me that his life with the separation was complicated and maybe I did not fit into it at the moment.
Time passed and I went on two trips. After coming back from Venice, I debated with myself whether I would seem over-eager or easy or annoying or clingy, if I contacted him. But I just needed to know. Apparently this one evening had made a sub-conscious impression on me. I decided I had nothing to lose and send him a message asking whether we would find some time for our drink.
He replied within a minute and we kept chatting for hours. The next day we met for a spontaneous date, which felt so familiar and so right. We chatted about everything and I felt myself falling for him.
The date ended with him walking me home, but not kissing me. While brushing my teeth, I wondered why he had not kissed me and had the fantasy of him ringing my bell and coming back just to kiss me. I didn’t know that meanwhile he was sitting in the car in front of my house, being angry at himself for not kissing me goodnight.
We continued texting and talking on the phone for the next couple of days but I was still wary of his situation.
The next weekend I went to my friends hen night, where we spent a lovely day on a lake outside of Vienna. Around midnight we drove back and went to a bar in the center. As agreed, I called him, while the other girls went inside and we discussed whether it made sense for us to meet up that night, me being on a hen night and all. After 15 minutes of conversation that did not lead anywhere close to a decision, I told him we should just leave it, it was too complicated. He asked me whether I was sure and I agreed. He asked me again whether I was sure, and when I looked up to agree, he was standing right in front of me and asked me whether I really thought he would make the same mistake twice – to go home without having kissed me…
In case you wonder, after a couple of days I remembered my list. He checks 34 out of 36 boxes. I think that is pretty damn good.
I knew that I would meet someone again. And I know it won’t always be easy and there is still a lot to come. But I never thought I’d meet someone, who makes me feel so good. Every single day.
And again, I don’t know if there is a happy ever after. But who does? I decided to go with the flow and believe in it. Enjoy the happiness he gives me. Enjoy being held and being healed. Cause I deserve to be happy. And I deserve to be loved for who I am. And I will take what I deserve. And let someone love me. While I love him.